diana Ramirez's blog

In love with San Francisco

Still thinking about San Francisco. While there I did a few photo shoots. I had a blast with Dave and Teresita. Here are a few of the pictures I took of her for her senior portfolio.  We stayed at the Kensington Park Hotel where the first three pictures were taken at. Amazing hotel love love love! 

abduction

I saw this poster in the hall way of the theater and I wondered is Taylor Lautner this generations Vin Diesel? 

check out the trailer and you decide for yourself. 

http://youtu.be/CEVkp5Je7m0

 

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Date night with Transformers

Tonight we had date night but i guess we have date night every night. anyway tonight we went to the cinema to see the new transformers film. Although i loved the action i couldn't enjoy the film. At some point today i hurt my hand and i don't know how. Anyway i move it, it hurts. All day i was in a bad mood because of the pain. 

back to the film. i liked it but i couldn't help think of the tragedy of 9/11.  some of the action took place in a tall building where the main characters were trapped in and a decepticon was attacking the building for it to fall. And it didn't crumble like the towers did so it felt so unauthentic the way it fell and the way it leaned. I can't help but refer back to 9/11 every time i see a building fall when a machine is attacking it. other than that i really liked the movie. Good action, good laughs and enough of kissy stuff. 

Chairs

 
I'm decorating my room this involves pain and new furniture. I'm not going the regular route of buying a bedroom set. I purchased a bed and now I'm looking for pieces with history. I'm currently looking at desks and I have an idea of what I want but today I walked into a furniture store and saw an amazing chair. So I'm on the hunt for a fabulous chair and these are some serious contenders. Look at these from Unlimited Furniture . 

Some of these are not chairs most people whould have at a desk but I'm not most people. And the only decorating rule I'm following is "Whatever I like goes". Happy decorating! 

And if I get something like this I wont need a desk. lol 

Tumors and Worry...

After several doctors appointments and pre-ops Dave had surgery May 9th to remover the tumor from his back.  Although he's ok for now I'm still worried, mostly about the unknown. I'm not sure I can mentally take another blow like this. We know he will get radiation therapy maybe as soon as next week.

He is having a hard time getting in and out of bed and he can't feed himself.  I am not 100% better and I find it hard to climb into bed to help him get in or out. I'm not really sure how things will get better by Friday when I have to return to work. I guess I should make food for the day and have him warm it up. 

His pain seems to be worse today and I can tell he's getting a bit restless. Maybe even a bit frustrated. It's not like him to be resting. And there really isn't anything for him to watch on the tele. He walks around the house going form room to room sitting down and turning on the televisions. He was in the family room this morning, he made his way into the kitchen to eat and walked back to the family room to stand in front of the tele and back to the kitchen to tell me he was "thinking about laying down" and walked back to the family. It looks like he's made it to the living room to watch a movie, we're I'm sure he will sleep for a few hours. 

I have to go out and do groceries but I'm afraid to leave him home alone. I imagine the worse. I can see him on the floor of the restroom lifeless with no phone in sight. I don't even know how or why these thought get into my head. I also think about him being dead and me staying here behind to mourn him. It's just awful. I think it might have to do with my lack of hormones and of course menopause.

I sort of feel like us being together is nothing but bad luck. Either this is a test of our love or we really are going to die of cancer and this is the beginning of the end. I saw my oncologist and he told me my uterine cancer can come back even though my uterus is out. He said it could have gotten into my bloodstream and come back in my lungs or something like that. Because under a microscope that cancer will look like uterine cancer and not lung cancer. Great another thing to worry about. I'm quite sure that if cancer doesn't kill me the stress will. 

I think I should start taking those pills my doctor gave me.

 

"Thats not a cyst" said the doctor

What started out as a pimple grew to a 2x2 in. growth. The growth was "drained" and still the swelling wouldn't go down as a matter of fact the growth got bigger. After about 2mo. the hotness was sent to a dermatologist who removed the "head" and told us he needed surgery to remove to the "legs" that are lodged in his back. The dermatologist is like 75% sure it's skin CANCER but we wont know for sure untill a few more days.

I dropped the hotness off at work and on the way home about three blocks aways the tears just started pouring down.  All i kept thinking was "Not him, he's my everything my security blanket. I'm not strong enough to care for him". And I don't think I'm strong enough to care for him. I can't see him sick, even with a fever I worry. He like my father and brother is superman to me.

I remember reading a book about a couple who loved each other so much and one day he collapsed and died. And the author talks about how she thought that they were so happy and that one couple could not be that happy so he died because she was living a fairytale. (true story)

Not that I think he's going to die but I feel like maybe we are too happy. We are not like other couples, sure we irritate each other sometimes but we don't have the head games and in the beginning I never thought we was playing me. He makes it so easy to be in this relationship. He allows me to love him and has loved me so much that I allow him to love me too. There are no walls up. He knows it all, my fears and my dreams and I know his and we are together and are a family.  Should I feel guilty about being so lucky? Is it luck? I think that we mesh well because we were ready for love at that moment when we met. It's been 6 years and  year has been the hardest year of my life. I'm still not fully recovered not physically or emotionally to deal with him being sick. And now I'm wondering is this a sign that we should not be together? 

I'm scared and worried and all I keep thinking is that this is really shitty! Like really? really, now dave gets sick? This is so fucked up! Anyone who knows dave knows that he's so nice and so sweet and I'm the bitch in the relationship. So again now it's another "why" moment but now it's "Why the honey?"

My "Why" Moment

On our way back from visiting my dad and brother I was reading up on hormone therapy. After one article I was freaked out. Strokes, blood clots and heart disease are some side effects for long term use. Pros would be avoiding osteoporosis and other types of cancer and others.  Although I have not read about bio identical hormones and natural products I'm scared. I'm more terrified now and I kinda don't wanna try them. But I'm 32 and I'm going to need them for a while too. I'm to young to break a hip. Just a rant.

When I finished reading this article I started to cry and Dave asked what was wrong, I told him what I had just read and I told him I was scared. And this is when it hit me driving south on the 805, I finally said it and I finally felt like an ungrateful asshole for saying it. "Why, why did I have to get cancer? Why me, I'm a good person" Not only did I say it but I felt it. I was, I am MAD. The tears just kept running down. 

It finally happend. This is what my therapist said would happen. This is part of the grieving process. But I am so grateful to be alive, so grateful the cancer was stage one. I'm grateful to wake up every morning and grateful for a wonderful family and grateful to have such an amazing man by my side everyday.  I feel such guilt being mad because so many people not as lucky. 

Baby Clothes and Tears

Today we shopped around for a baby present.  Walking about the dept. I was attracted to the little girl clothes and told Sweater "There are really cute things for little girls and not a lot for boys" But the more I walked around I kept looking at the sweet pastels the little girls had to choose from. And I spotted a pair of jeggings for a 9mo.old just like the ones I wear. Right in front of the jeggings denim, pink, white, and blue I started to cry.  I know I'm mourning right now but I can't keep bursting out in tears every time we go to the store or when I see a newborn. It's bad enough I'm having hot flashes and I keep undressing in public, now add tears to it. It's just not expectable behavior. I don't think they make a pill for this. I'd like to have worked out all of these feeling before I go back to work. I don't want to start crying every time I see a baby. 

My nephew Aaron comes over all the time he's 3 y/o and he's so cute. Aaron tells me he loves me all the time. He also hugs really well and gives kisses. And when I see him I often thin to myself when will it be my turn. I wasn't much of a baby person before but in the last year or so I looked at babies differently and thought maybe someday. 

I told Sweater that I wanted to look at adoption and he said "really" which meant right now? and I said "not right now but at some point we will adopt."  Maybe adopting for us is not in the cards but I know it is for me.

A night out and a good conversation

Today was Rosie's birthday and she had a get together at Bubs dive bar in pb. I had a blast! Seeing her and others friends was such a good thing for me. I really needed it. Sure I felt sick but just being social made me forget about cancer and the what if's. I also met a few new peeps which made it alright. Good night.

On the way to the car I stopped by a tattoo parlor on garnet to inquire about a tattoo. For a while now I've wanted this image of several daisies (favorite flower) on my back with little lady bugs and strawberries in between the flowers. Anyway I told Dave "you know babe, if my accessory line becomes a brand I'd like my logo to be tattooed on me as well." I worked really hard on it and he said "yeah that would be cool".

In the car I started talking about my brand I wanted to build and I told him that I had a fear of failing. I realize that everyone at one point or another fails but I'm just terrified of it. He told me  he knew what I was talking about because he feels the same way. But not in such a scale but for a project at work , but he gets it, he gets me. And he supports me 100%.

It was so awesome that he opened up. It's been a while. I think because I've been so sick that he'd rather internalize all of his worries. Lord knows I've been selfish that I forget he has stress from work. I like to not be sick and be there for him the way he is for me. After all we're a family. 

Bad Days and Ice Cream

Today was a rough day as soon as I woke I knew it was going to be a bad one.  The dizziness, the back ache and my belly button. It felt like someone had kicked me in the belly. Yesterday was a month since my hysterectomy and I really did think these days were behind me. 

Dave came home early to feed me and make sure I was well enough to stay home or go to the hospital. He also lined up a few movies for me to watch while I sit on the couch. 

He served me ice cream before he left.  Ice cream makes everything better.

 

Anxiety, Depression and Cancer

One month ago today I had a hysterectomy. And about two weeks ago the anxiety started. I went to see my therapist to help me grieve my uterus, grammy and Tia Maria Elena. In the last 3 months I've lost 2 very special persons and my feature babies. Being at home watching television and talking to friends I see people with babies and I get sad. Not that I was planning on using my uterus  (I always wanted to adopt) but maybe at some point in my life I would. It's hitting me that I will never have a child with my DNA. I will never see a child with our features. A curly hair baby Jew named Simcha and whose first word is "c c c c coupon!" Dave and I always joked around about this and now it's never going to happen. 

It really sucks that I'm 32 and I'm in menopause. I'm afraid of never getting over this even though I never wanted to have kids. For medical reasons I didn"t think it was a good idea to have a child but my heart aches now that my uterus is gone. 

My therapist told me that all of her patients with cancer had some form of depression. I do have major anxiety. I'm afraid of my body, I'm afraid of another illness. I'm afraid of dying and not knowing my children (the ones I will adopt at some point) and not having traveled enough or not seeing my nephews graduate from college. I have so much fear it's paralyzing. I pray everyday for strength and guidance. 

Today I woke with the feeling I wanting change. Although I'm terrified of my body I've been given a chance at life and I don't want it to go to waist. I'm going to be dedicated and go for what I want.